Maybe??

Wow - almost a year since my last post. Obviously, blogging isn't a huge priority for me, but I do know that it is probably the best way to keep everyone up to date with what is going on for us - so, I will try to post more. Good news is that not much has really happened, in our case, this year.  Mostly, we have just been doing our normal day to day things and chasing the little man.

S just turned 4 - can you believe it? I can't. We were at an appointment this afternoon and the counselor  made the comment to S that he had just had a birthday. I asked him to tell her how old he was - and his response was, "I am 4 and a little bit." Cracked me up.

He is doing really, really well - 39#, 39 inches...so about the 75% for weight and 25% for height. That has been his norm ever since he was a baby. Our little powerhouse - all muscle and super strong. :) He has been in gymnastics for the past few months and really loves it. It has been great to watch him his confidence grow, even more, and to develop really great skills. He will continue through July and then we will take a little break until the Fall. He is going to start swimming too - there will be a little overlap with swimming and gymnastics - so our Thursdays are going to be busy. He will take a session of swimming, starting next week, and then a couple more sessions in August. He loved it last year - I hope he does this year, as well! He is a little boy now - no more toddler in him at all. I was rocking him last night and I called him "baby" as I was putting him down...he mumbled, half asleep, that he was not a baby anymore, but a big boy. Point taken. Still not sure if mama is ready for the big boy part, though. I know I have said it before, but this time has gone so quickly. I try my hardest not to rush about, but I feel like there have been times where the entire month has gone by and I can hardly remember what we have done. So moments - I try to hold onto moments.

So, our news. We went to court today. We thought it was pretty much like any other court date we have had. We are invited in, for a few minutes, to give the Judge and lawyers an update as to how S is doing, what things he likes doing, health stuff - just a quick update. This time it was different - it was a Permanency Hearing. We didn't know that until we were sitting in the courtroom today...this was HUGE news for us. This is where they can change the direction that his plan is going - and, hopefully, that would be to us. Now, that being said, we aren't holding our breath. As the hearing progressed there were a few things that the Judge ordered to happen before the official hearing actually took place - so, it has essentially been rescheduled for early August. In the meantime, please, PLEASE pray for us and everyone that is involved in the mix. (Lawyers, Bio Mom, Judge, Tribe, Case Workers - pray for them all) Things can change on a dime, so you never know, but it was sure an encouragement today. So, so big.

The craft of sewing

I have been doing a lot of sewing lately. It is one of my favorite things to do - I love that I can sew some fabric together and it can turn into something cute and useful. As an aside, please check out my new etsy shop and tell ALL your friends!! I am making lots of stuff for fairs this fall - so will be posting new things to my shop soon. (http://www.etsy.com/shop/BigTreeKids) The past few weeks I have been working on two quilts - small lap quilts. I measure, measure again, make sure my ruler is straight on my cutting mat, measure one more time and then cut. I have found, that no matter how much I measure and how careful I am when I sew the seam allowances, I am NEVER able to get all the corners to match up exactly. I know that there are quilters out there that would rip the seams out and start over, but I am not one of them. Especially with a 3 year old running around in the background.

So, thinking about all the seams that didn't match up - not matter how hard I tried - made me think of my life with Kevin and S. Or just my life in general. If things turned out as I expected, they would be a lot different than they are now. I never thought I would lose my mom at 57. The latest I thought I would get married was 30 - let alone 38. AND, I was going to have a bunch of kids...hmmm. Didn't even come close to how things worked out.

I love both of these little quilts - I love the colors, how they lay, and that they are handmade. I love the littles that I have made them for - I love thinking about them snuggling up with the quilt and taking it to bed. I love that, hopefully, these quilts will give comfort. In spite of the corners that don't line up.

Yes, that is how our lives have come together. Not all of our corners line up - we can chose to rip it out and try again, or just make peace with it and let that little bit of imperfection comfort us and remind us that better things are to come! And, despite the messy corners and things not turning out just as I wanted - my reality is more than I could have ever dreamed up! I have a caring a compassionate husband that loves me dearly and a sweet little boy that calls me "mama." It is perfection to me...despite all the bumps we have encountered. That is what I have been thinking on the last few days...

Playing on a rope swing at Farmer Ben's

Nothing really new with S's case - we continue to wait and hope that he will remain with us for years to come. It is looking very positive, so that is good. He is growing to be a big boy. He was just telling me, yesterday, that he is a "little grown-up." Not even a big boy anymore. Learning all kinds of stuff and becoming more independent all the time. Such a big little grown-up!

When did that happen??

I was laying in bed last night, a little sad even, because S turned three today. I know, I hear seasoned moms say it all the time "the time goes too fast" or "make sure not to rush - before you know it he will be all grown up." So we haven't! We have tried to relish in all the little moments and tried to keep a slow pace of life. And still - the time has gone too quickly. Out little guy is three. Three. That is a big boy - no more baby fat and rolls on him. He is talking - all the time - in complete sentences and really understanding concepts. Well - except I have a friend that is pregnant right now. I have been talking to him about it - how the baby is going to come soon and we will have a new little friend. S seems to think that this mama "ate" her baby - and that is why she is still in her tummy. We are working on that one still...

We have an important day coming up this Wednesday - big decisions will be made in court regarding his case. These decisions will determine long-term plans, so PLEASE pray for us and his bio-mom on that day. Or, even better, start praying right now!! :) The case, as we understand, is being heard at 9am. We will not be present - it is better for us not to be at this one. I will post as soon as I know an outcome - thanks, in advance, for your prayers.

The big three year old boy. (sigh)

A Great Day!!!

Yesterday was a big, big day for us. In a nutshell, we received news that S's long term plan has been changed by the court! YEAH!!! We went to court and talked, briefly, with a Tribal Judge prior to the hearing. We aren't allowed to be present in the hearing - so we just updated him on how S is doing and he was able to see S for himself. Our case worker told us that she thought this little visit - albeit a little chaotic as S was running around the courtroom and not minding us - made a big impact on the Judge. So, at this point, the long term plan is to have him placed with a 3rd party custodian (us). We will be learning more of what that means in the next few months - guardianship or adoption? The later is our hope and wildest dream, but we are up for anything that is more long term than what we have been living through the last two+ years. Yeah!!! Best Christmas present EVER!

I was pretty calm on the phone with the case worker - however, when I hung up the phone it was a different story. I cried and cried. We have gotten so accustomed to thinking of just "today"...or just a few months out. Getting from holiday to holiday has been an emotional challenge. Our mindset has been "we have him this Christmas, but will we have him for Kevin's birthday next March? Mother's Day? S's 3rd birthday?" We can't even think that far - it is way to heart wrenching to think of one of those events without him. So we usually don't even go there. When I hung up the phone yesterday it hit me that we might, just might, not have to think that way anymore. It was like a huge weight was lifted off my chest. We understand that we still might not get him...but this is such a significant and hopeful step for us. We are just enjoying it and will see what is presented to us in the next little bit. Whew.

On the flip side - we know this must be a hard thing for his bio-mom. It was one of the first things I thought of...and that is hard for us. Please remember her as you are excited for us. I will keep you updated as we get more information. Thanks for your kind thoughts and prayers!

Way back when...

The day he came home with us - 13 days old

 Lately I have been thinking a lot about S when he was a baby. I don't know why - maybe it is because he is getting so big and independent. I remember exactly what I was doing, at work, when we got the call from our social worker. Packing up my stuff at work that night...trying to tie up loose ends while trying to wrap my mind around the fact that Kevin and I would have a baby at home that next day. I remember going to the hospital, the next morning, meeting with a social worker and then meeting S, in NICU, for the first time. So tiny in the little baby basinet - all bundled up and sleeping. They had us feed him before we left the hospital - and the nurses were so helpful and understanding. I was so flustered I couldn't figure out how to adjust the car seat straps - which we had practiced. No amount of practice can prepare you for the journey we have been on with him. I remember sitting in the back seat of our car with him - I felt like we were stealing him. It all just happened so quickly - but really, took so very long. Recently, I was going through some things in  his room and found a journal of sorts that we kept when we brought him home. Feeding times, how long he slept/was awake, how he was feeling, how his diapers were...there were so many things for us to keep track of. Not just normal baby stuff - we had to kinda keep an eye on him for other things, too. But, since he was our first, we had NO idea what "normal" even was...

He woke up in the middle of the night last week - had a bad dream or something. So I got up and changed his diaper, put cozy jammies on him and we snuggled in the rocking chair in his room. That doesn't happen much anymore. I love that he sleeps so well - but I really miss the snuggle time I used to get. All. the. time. And now, if he gets up at night, he really doesn't want to snuggle. It is more like "I want to talk about everything I see in my room and whatever I did today." That night he just wanted his lovey (clothe diaper), bear, and mama. And we snuggled. Even better - he fell asleep in my arms. I almost just stayed in there, but I knew that he would sleep better in his crib. So I put the little big boy to bed.

At Cramer's Pumpkin Patch - on horse wagon with Papa

He is just growing up so quickly. He is carrying on conversations with us now and really understanding  concepts. How did that happen? I can tell that he thinks about things now. Yes, he is a toddler and changes his mind a million times a day, but he "gets" stuff now. His latest is teasing. He loves to tease mama and papa. It is hilarious. And the more we laugh, the more he does it...and we laugh a lot. :)

Watching Papa work in yard

He is now spending some time with his siblings every week. It is great - we are happy about that change. Hard on his schedule, but it is only a few hours and he seems to adjust ok. He loves it - most of the time. He is picked up by a transporter (who observes the visit) and he doesn't like leaving mama. He wants me to come - and that makes it really hard on mama. (Imagine that??) Just another adjustment, but a good one. Nothing else to really report. We still delight in every day we have with him and pray we have many, many more. We have had a great Fall. If you don't live in the PNW, the weather was amazing up until a couple weeks ago. Warm days, cool nights and NO RAIN for months. Our Fall has arrived (which makes me happy!!) and it has been cold and a bit rainy, but we have found lots of fun things to do. Visits to Apple Orchards, Pumpkin Patches, horse rides, train rides, and lots of playing outside. Love it! Looking forward to a season on hope as we approach the holidays.

At Bellewood Acres

Things I have learned from a 2 year old

1. Walking is not an option - running is the only way to go.
2. One must be outside all the time. It is boring to be inside - there is nothing to do and mama and papa make me take baths while I am inside. Who wants to take a bath? NOT me.
3. All bugs are cool.
4. If there is construction that involves diggers or tractors one must stop everything and watch. Forever.
5. ROAR!!!! no quiet voices allowed.

2 years old!

6. Run, run, run.
7. Climb - after running, of course.
8. Trains and donuts run a close second to construction sites - only Rocket donuts, though.
9. Papas are great chasers.
10. Run some more.
11. Mama's cell phone is WAY better than my cell phone.
12. Anything is a drum - including Mama's cake plate. Sorry, Mama.
13. Snuggling with Mama or Papa at nap/night time is the best. Especially if books are involved.


That about sums up our summer - lots of running at parks, the back yard and all over. S loves to be kept busy - and so does Mama. Our world is, generally, a happier place if he is able to run and play. I think it is that way for most 2 year olds though - especially boys. High energy boys. He is talking a mile a minute now, too. Recalling things we did weeks ago - it is amazing. Such a little boy now. I love that and I hate it - it is hard to think that the baby stage is far behind us now. I love this time, though. So thankful that I am able to be with him most of the time and be part of it all. That is such a blessing for us!

 

Climbing trees with friends at Hovander Homestead

No significant changes in our family situation the past summer. Still waiting and praying and loving  having him in our lives. We are heading to E WA for a family vacation in a few weeks and really looking forward to a break from our day to day routine. Will be able to sleep in (HA! Papa will sleep in...), play at the beach and in the lake, take walks through the apple orchards and visit some vineyards. Yea for family time!

Fun times at a friend's 3rd birthday party

See our new fence? I need to climb it...right away...

Steering the Plover FV

Exploring the beach at Semiahmoo

Name Change

How to even begin this post. We kinda figured this may happen someday - maybe? Most of our navigation in the system has been, well, we just never know. Sometimes it feels like it really just depends who you talk to on what info you are given. We were told, when we brought N home, that we could give him a name. We knew that name wasn't legal. We knew that we needed to use his given name around the house so that he was familiar with it...and we have done that. As he has gotten older I have thought long and hard about this whole name thing. How confusing would it be for him to be returned back to his bio mom and never hear the name we have given him, again? Would that be weird for him? Yes, I think so.

We recently had a visit from DCFS for our Foster License Renewal. The visit went really well - she was very sweet, kind, and thorough. For those of you that have been to our house you know that most everything is in lockdown mode now. REALLY kid proofed. Mostly because he gets into everything, but a lot is just required as a Foster family. Well, turns out that there were a few more things we STILL needed to do. Yes, really. Minor stuff though - I should be able to take care of them by the end of the week and we will be good for another 3 years. Yea!!

One thing that came up was the name. (sigh) So, after much discussion we are reverting back to his given name. From this moment forward, as hard as it will be for us, we will no longer be using N as his name. I am sure it will take some time for us all, but please start to use S. He knows it - it is familiar to him. And, honestly, it is a sign of respect - and I get that. I think that part of us naming him was something that belonged to us - and, as Foster parents, he doesn't belong to us.

Kev and I were talking about it tonight. Crying and sighing, too. We have always been pretty open with people and told them his given name was S. (Please let me know if you don't know the name - I just don't want it on the internet) A name means everything - and nothing. Just because we are calling him a different name doesn't mean he is a different little boy. It does mean everything to his bio mom though - family, heritage, and culture. So, so important. And, honestly, it is a really cool name. When he is in school he will be the only one with that name!

So, please, don't be taken aback when we correct you if you use "N" the next time you see our little sweetie. We understand it will take time.

On a side note, there haven't been, as far as we know, any changes in his case. Please continue to pray for his mom and us as a family. We have loved this little break we have gotten. S's schedule has really settled down. I had no idea that his visits were kind of messing up his sleep - but he has slept through almost every night for the last month or so...I think he has only gotten up 3 times that whole time. In the past he was up 3 and 4 nights/week. Ahhh. So nice.

Changes...

It has been a hard few weeks with N's case. Just a lot of changes and a lot of worry on our part. Like before, I really can't go into details, but there is a lot going on with birth mom and, just today, I got a call from N's SW and the visits are moving back to supervised. They have been unsupervised for almost a year, so this is a BIG change. While we are somewhat happy about this change, we are sad, too. I didn't think it would hit us this way. I thought I would be elated - jumping up and down. Nope.

We have grown to really care for his birth mom. It breaks our hearts to see a family struggle so...Yes, I know. It is all about choices, but have we all made perfect choices throughout our lives? I haven't - and I know Kev would be on the same page with me here. As hard as this has all been (and continues to be) it has been amazing to see how well birth mom has done. So to have this happen is really, REALLY hard. And we just didn't expect to feel that way.

So please pray for us as we move forward in this situation. We are trying to figure out how we can support birth mom in all of this - how we can love her and not overstep our relationship. We love N so much - and we know she knows that. He turns 2 this weekend - he had a visit set up with her on his birthday (Saturday) and it is now looking like that won't happen.

Jesus loves us so desperately - in our messy, out-of-sync lives. That is our life with N - very messy, not cookie cutter reality, and by no means ordinary. We have a constant though - a hope that we cling to in the midst of all the upheaval. I just want her to see that - and, even more, experience that hope.

I will keep you all posted - thanks for praying for us!

Songs we are singing

N is really into singing right now. He LOVES it when we sing to him and with him. We have been singing with him since he was just a teeny little guy - so it is really fun that he lights up when we sing now.

His favs are:

The Wheels on the Bus
Insy Weensy Spider (with the motions - SOOO cute)
Jesus loves me
Jesus loves the little children
ABC song (we always sing this when we give him treatments....I don't know why...)
Jesus paid it all (mama loves this song)
Skinamarinkydinkydo

and my favorite hymn...Be Thou my Vision

I sing these verses over and over - especially at night when he up. He loves it - he usually will cup my face with his little hands when I sing it. He just does it with this song for some reason - but it is very sweet and I don't want to forget it.

Be Thou my vision, O, Lord of my heart

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou are

Thou my best thought, by day or by night

Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light

High King of heaven, my victory won

May I reach heaven’s joys, O, bright heav’ns Son

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall

Still be my vision, O, Ruler of all

If and when...

Many of you know we had  a meeting with LCS and our adoption agency, Antioch, this past Friday. It went ok - I guess as well as expected. We didn't really get any new information on the case. There hasn't really been much movement in the past few months. It was good to get both groups together though - at least to even meet up face-to-face.

The latest is there is a court date coming up, mid-April, that could maybe result in N's overnights starting. Maybe. And, even if those do begin to happen, we don't know for how long and what comes after that. With cases that are worked by DCFS the parameters and timelines are very different. With Tribal cases it is totally up to the Tribal council and there really aren't timelines...so we could have him another 2 mos or another few years. Really, probably closer to the months end though. Ugh. But that is what we thought in August - we didn't think we would have him through October. And look - we are approaching his 2nd birthday!

The latest with little Mr N. He is continuing to show us his climbing and running skills. We spend a lot of time at the park/s right now - keeps both of us sane. He is talking more and more - and listens really well, too. It still amazes me - this little one growing up thing. I cannot believe all that he understands and does - and that we taught that to him! He does not like it when Daddy hugs Mama - will stop whatever he is doing to break it up. Pushes me away from Kevin and gloms onto me. Cracks us up - so we do it even more! We have been spending lots of time together as a family - it is so important for him to feel safe and stable. In the midst of visits getting longer and whatever is down the road for us - we want him to know that he is loved and cared for as much as we are able.

So please continue to pray for us and all the relationships - with N's social worker, our social worker with LCS, mostly, our relationship with birth mom. That she would continue to trust us and know that we love her son. And that she would feel peace - I don't think she is right now.

The ups and downs...

I just have to say it - I know visitations are super important and part of the process, but sometimes I really wonder. I just picked up N from a visit and he was in tears (which, if you know N, you know that he doesn't cry a lot - it REALLY takes a lot to push him over the edge) and one of the other siblings was in tears. All because they were tired. They needed to be in bed. So I got N some water and packed him into the van to take him home - trying to soothe him the entire way. Keep in mind that I was now crying but not wanting him to know because I didn't want to upset him more. Very. Hard. So I just prayed. Prayed that somehow he would be comforted, sitting alone in the dark backseat, and that Kev and I would be reminded that our strength and protection comes from God. He guards us, (and our hearts), when we leave and when we return, He guards us now, He guards us always. (Ps. 121)

Kevin is just putting him to bed - he is a limp and tired little boy. Sounds like it went down without a hitch. Yea and AMEN!

Apples or Blueberries?

Everything that is round, to N, is either an apple or a ball. Most times, an apple. Oblong things go in that catagory, as well. We have been working on words with him - it is crazy how quickly he will pick something up from us! Well, when he wants to. So this morning I was feeding him breakfast and added some blueberries to his yogurt and cereal. He LOVES blueberries. He kept calling them apples, though. So, being the patient mama I am, I kept telling him they were "blueberries." Every time he said "apple" I responded "blueberry." And, you know when you are trying to help teach someone a new word, how you slow down and annunciate the word? Well, he did the same thing! I said "bluuuee beerrryyy...." and he looked at me like I was from Mars and said "aaaapppllle." I just laughed and that was the end of that. He will get it when he gets it. At least notices that things are round. Kind of.

We had a great Thanksgiving and Christmas season. Thanksgiving was at my Dad's with most of my siblings and my brother in law's brother. It was one of the best Thanksgivings that we can remember - since mom has been gone, at least. Just laid back and easy. Well, easy for us - we just showed up and enjoyed company and food. My dad and brother are great cooks and really put together a wonderful dinner. We missed having Michelle and her little family there...but they came home for Christmas! Yea! Christmas was a whirlwind, but a lot of fun. Kevin was able to take an extra day off so was home for 5 days! Lots of family time...We went to Christmas Eve service at our church and had Kevin's family over to our house for gifts and dinner. His niece had the stomach flu so she didn't some - Christmas with the DeKoster's, take two with Kristina, will be on New Year's Eve. Then it was more time with family on Christmas Day and down my my Dad's on the 26th. N did really well - we tried to be as low key as we could and not to rush about. To enjoy our time - and we did it! N really still just loves boxes. He wasn't even into the wrap all that much - but boxes, man, they are the best. I had to move a few downstairs as he figured out that you can put one box on another and then add a ball for fun climbing adventures.

We got hard news yesterday afternoon. It caught us off guard as the visits with bio mom have been a little out of sync the last few weeks. N's visit hours will almost be doubled starting next week. I haven't talked to his SW, so really don't know the reasoning, but we just have to trust that this is the way it is supposed to happen. I cried solid for almost an hour after I dropped him off last night. I think a lot of it is just being my emotional self and tired...I really know that God has a plan for us and N. And his bio mom. The news was just a little disheartening. So, trying to look at positive side of things. This will give his bio mom the opportunity to spend more time with him - to be able to get his routine down. It will give me more time at home to get stuff done, exercise, clean - whatever. I think I have almost 8 hours for one of the blocks. I can't even imagine what I can get done with all that time!! And I will keep busy - if I  am idle I will go bonkers with worry over N. So, pray for us during this new transition. Big stuff for our family.

Worry...

Sometimes, it seems, there are days that are smooth sailing and days that are not. I am not really saying that our days are hard - they usually aren't. Well, aside from the trying to juggle every day life with visitations. But that has kinda turned into every day life for us.

This time last year we were unsure if we would have N for Christmas. I remember I was just a bundle of nerves. I wanted to plan things, but was afraid that I was assuming to much. This year, we are pretty sure we will have him, but we struggle with the thought that this is our last Christmas with him. I don't know which is better - or worse. We are trying to plan fun things with him and do things slowly - to savor the season - but we both feel like it is flying by and it is slipping from our fingers. We know that this might not be the case...we might have more time with him than we think, but we worry. We were watching something the other night and there was a line that stuck out to us. What our problem is we "know to much about the unknowns." We know what probably lies ahead. And we think about it WAY to much.

So that is what has been making these delightful days a little hard for us. Again, if anyone knows that "how to make time stand still" trick, please pass it onto us. We are trusting God for N's future - that is never up for grabs. It is just the in between stuff that gets to us every now and then.

In the meantime we are decorating and playing games with the sweet little boy. I made him a little felt tree with ornaments that he re-decorates several times a day. He loves all the lights - we are getting our tree this weekend and can't wait to put it up with him. Just getting a little one and letting him have at it! We took him up to the lighted parade in Lynden last weekend and he was enthralled by all the tractors and trucks with light on them. Kept pointing to them and saying "wow" and "ohhhhh." I thought it would wear off on him after a couple tractors, but it didn't. Such a treat.

Blessings to you this Christmas Season!

Go Go Go

It has been over a month since my last update - sorry! It has been a busy few months. We went to Chelan the end of September and it feels like it has been a whirlwind since we got back. And now that little vacation feels like it was a lifetime ago.

Grandpa Kay and N in Chelan

Update with N's case - seems that things are slowing down a bit. I can't go into details, but please keep praying. Pray for his bio mom, our relationship with her, N...This is a shifting sands sort of situation and it really seems to change day to day. We think we might have him through Christmas, but we don't know that for sure...at all. It is so hard to even think about Christmas and to prepare for it not knowing. We are though - hoping for the best.

N resting after a busy day on the lake

N is growing by leaps and bounds. He has about 15 words now and seems to say another new word each day. Today it was "cracker." His favorite words are "go, go, go." And that he does very well. He is a very fast runner and loves to just go. Go anywhere and climb everywhere. Especially outside. He looks, wistfully, out the deck window every day - especially on rainy days when we usually don't go outside. That has changed though - he has new rainboots and raingear from last year (that still fits!!) so we are prepared! NW rain will not be keeping us inside this winter! I think I would go crazy if we weren't able to go outside. It is one thing to hold a baby through the winter - totally another to keep an active toddler down. There are some great indoor places to go here in town to - the kids museum and a new play place. We get to parks as much as we can...he LOVES swings and slides. Mostly climbing up the slide, though. He is big into his cars and trucks, too. And his bear and baby doll - loves to carry them around and share his water and crackers. Very sweet to watch.

We went to the doc yesterday for his 18 mos well check up and he is right on target for everything - a little on the short side (22%) but everything is great. I still cannot believe that he is 18 mos old and that we have had him almost that long. Time has gone by at breakneck speed. He is really starting to look like a little boy now - not a baby anymore. His arms and chest are lean....no more baby rolls there! His legs still have a little pudge on them, thank goodness. He just got his 4th, yes 4th, haircut and he has his first dentist appt coming up in a few weeks. He has a mouthful of chompers, so that is good.

N running away from me...

For Halloween he dressed up as a hound dog - a costume my sister, Teri, loaned us. It was perfect for him - he loves dogs and was stinkin' cute. He would not keep the hood on though - I need to put the outfit back on and try to get some photos with the hood up. We went to our church's  Harvest Party and he raced around - we mostly chased him. It was a great, fun event - lots of kids and families.

N and A on a sharing stand down...

My youngest sister recently moved with her husband and daughter back east. We are sad to see them go - she is just a few months younger than N. While we didn't see them a ton (they lived in Portland) it still feels so far away. My dad had all of us kids over for dinner before they left - all kids played quite a bit. Sharing was a little bit of a challenge with the two younger ones, but it was a lot of fun to watch them together. We will get to see them at Christmas when they come home. Yea!

Please keep praying for our family and transitions. We just keep counting our moments with him and cherishing every single thing. Isn't that we should be doing all the time anyways? Not clinging to those moments but being thankful for them. And remembering to be intentional.

Making applesauce

I bought a 25# box of apples from Bellewood farms last week and have been canning up an applesauce storm the last few days. LOVE applesauce - turns out that N does, too. I am having to plow through them as we are headed over to Chelan in a couple days. We have rented a house that sits smack dab in the middle of a ton of apple orchards. I can't wait! It smells so good over there and we love our walks in the orchards. Should be a lot of fun with N this year - last year he was just a little guy. It will be really great to get out of town and relax.

Just a couple photos of N "helping" Mama with the apples. Enjoy your week!

Wait, what are these?

Oh, but I can only hold two...

I fit!

Such a big boy

Today we had to get the van serviced for our trip over the mountains next week. Yea! Can't wait to go and spend a week with my boys and my dad. We walked to the park while the van was getting worked on and N climbed to his hearts content. That is his latest thing - loves to climb. We had a cool, old chair in our kitchen I that HAD been using when I fed him breakfast and lunch. (Our dining room is carpeted - so I try not to feed him in there other than supper with Papa) The chair in kitchen was one of those old white utility chairs - the ones that have the pull out steps. I love that chair. I knew it was only a matter of time before N found it. I had to move it out of the kitchen to the guest room - he thought it was the best thing to climb. Well, once it disappeared he moved onto his highchair. At least that one isn't as high.

To top if all off when I put him down for his nap today he didn't want me to rock him. I usually only rock him for minutes now anyways. Today it was more like seconds. He just kept pointing to his crib - he just wanted to lay down and sleep. Sigh. This is going way to fast. I love it that he has been a good sleeper - again, we have the dream child, but he is just getting so independent. That is what I should want though, right? It sure doesn't feel like it sometimes.

Visits are progressing. We had a meeting with a SW yesterday and it sounds like the next thing coming up is  the overnight visit/s. I can't think that far out - and she wasn't able to give any timelines. That is fine with us right now - the more time we have, the better. I have a hard time even breathing when I think about overnights. I haven't ever spent a night without him since we got him. I know I can do it...I just don't want to do it. A friend of mine posted a wallhanging on Pinterest yesterday (OH, I love that websight!!) that I loved. In fact, I went on etsy and ordered it! "It is well with my soul." I just need to keep thinking of that hymn and know that it will all be ok.

New Season...

I just put N down for his morning nap...a little late as he was up needing snuggles last night. Seems like this cold he has is finally clearing up and he is able to sleep through the night again. I didn't like losing sleep with his cold, but I did like the snuggling part in the middle of the night. In fact, I was kinda happy he woke up last night...it is usually such a sweet time. He hasn't really ever been a "screamer" or anything like that. If he gets held and snuggles in he calms right down. I know - not all kids are like this and it is God's gift to us. I love that time. I am not one to put him down as soon as he falls asleep, either. Never have been. I let him sleep for HOURS in my arms when he was an infant. I know, there are all kinds of schools of thought on that one. I have always thought that he might be our own and only - and I am the mama - so I want to enjoy this time. It all goes by sooo quickly. And now, for us, even more so...I am usually on the verge of tears, if not already, when I hold him at night. I don't want him to see me crying - I just want him to feel loved. I have gotten pretty good at staying calm in front of him. It is when I go back to bed that it gets hard. Or when he is at visits. Deep breath.

Ever since we brought him home from the hospital we have played music for him when he goes down for a nap. All kinds of stuff - hymns, Elizabeth Mitchell (one of my favs!), and even a Rick Springfield children's CD that a good friend of mine sent us. It is great - we play it in the van a lot. One of the most calming CDs is "Hidden in my Heart" - a wonderfully soothing compilation of scripture put to music. I LOVE IT. As I am fretting and feeling sad as I rock him these words rush over me and calm my heart.

Shortly after we got N a dear friend of mine sent me the re-written lyrics to "Hush Little Baby" by Beth Moore. I think the story goes, she was a Foster mom who took in a little boy when he was four and he stayed with them for about 3 years.  It broke her heart when he was removed from their care - but she did everything she could to instill God's truths into her little boys heart in the time she had him. We have felt that so strongly with N. I guess maybe we have always just felt we were on borrowed time...so that is why I don't mind late nights with him. Kevin looks so forward to coming home from work and rolling into the night time routine. It is time we get to invest in N -

We start another new schedule for visits this week. They are still up in the air but it looks like we are moving more into later afternoon/early evening visits. This may be a hard transition for N...and us, too. The visits will go until 7pm, and N is usually in bed (and asleep) by that time. The occasional late night hasn't ever been a big deal for him, but three in a row. I don't know. And it is hard for us, too. Kevin will hardly get to see him on those days. We will pick N up and basically put him to bed. Hopefully. Adjustments and a new season for us.

Update: we made it through the first late night visit. Well, almost. Kevin is just putting N down now. He was pretty agitated and whiney when he got home, mostly just really tired. We will see how he sleeps tonight and how tomorrow rolls.

At the park over Labor Day weekend - walking and exploring

Here are the lyrics for "Hush Little Baby" - they are pretty sweet.

“Hush little baby, Daddy’s got a Word

No eye has seen, no ear has heard.

Dream sweet dreams, but you can’t dream this,

Plans your Weaver weaves for bliss.

Hush little baby, don’t you cry.

Daddy fixes all things by and by.

Cease your strivings, rest your eyes

You’re my joy and you’re my prize

Sleep little baby, I’ll stay awake

If skies should fall and mountains quake

You’ll be safe in Daddy’s arms,

Wrapped in blankets, robbed from harms.

Hush little baby, I will sing

While angels dance and ’round you ring.

If I should come before you wake

Your eyes will open to your Daddy’s face

So hush little baby, trust me now

Thrones and powers to me bow.

I tell oceans what to do

I think Daddy can take care of you.”

Ferries, Bugs, Trucks, and Boogies

Kevin took part of last Friday off and we hopped on a ferry and went to Friday Harbor. It was a glorious day - one of those days that I am so thankful I live in the PNW. It was clear, everything was so green, the water was calm and we could see the mountains. It was warm, too! This was a much needed trip for us - just to get out of town and enjoy time together. N did great - the ferry ride was a definite highlight for him. He loves walking and when wind is added he is so happy. All smiles. We walked him around and around the ferry. Then we walked around Friday Harbor and, of course, had ice cream down at the harbor. This is where N found a spider friend. He seems to have this things for bugs. I am trying so hard not to freak out and smash them - he, generally, won't touch. Just kind of leans over and looks at them real close like. At least that is what he used to do. This spider was different though. He needed to touch it...and then roll it around and look some more. I remained calm and let him play with it - and then when he wasn't looking I quickly moved it away. He looked back and spider was all gone! So sad. :) Not really. Then back onto the ferry for more walking. We were ALL exhausted when we got home, but it was the best day.

One of N's most favorite things right now is to play with his trucks and cars. I finally moved them into their own basket in the living room/TOY room. He just kept pulling them out of his toy basket anyways - might as well give them their own home. He zooms them around the living room and kitchen - usually two at a time - making zoomy car noises as he goes. Then he examines the underside of them to make sure they are working ok - and off again he goes. This has been one of my favorite things of being a parent - watching him learn. I had no idea that would be so cool. I love watching him make connections and put things together - it is amazing.

We think that this week the 3x/week visits will finally start. They were supposed to begin weeks ago but there have been complications every week. Next week the schedule changes, again - one of his sister's starts school. So we will see what that brings.

Boogies. Oh yea. N is sick right now. I think just a head cold, but sick all the same. Lots of boogies right now. Boogie here. Boogies there. Boogies everywhere. N HATES his nose being wiped, too. He will race away and try to hide from us if he sees us with a boogie wipe. (I love those Boogies wipes! I know they are a bit on the pricey side, but I.LOVE.THEM.) He seems to be a on the mend today - we did lots of horsey rides this afternoon. That must be a good sign.

Waiting, waiting, waiting

About a month ago, or so, we started teaching N baby sign language. He picked it up right away - which is amazing. I forgot to teach him the sign for "waiting" though - so we have started that recently. And, of course, he picked it up right away. He has about 5 words right now: Mama, Dadadada, (somestimes Papa, too...but that is pretty rare), up, car, and wow. Yes, wow. Isn't that funny? We think so. His favorite game is "chase" with Papa. Kevin runs around and pretends to chase N and he runs right to me - laughing this deep belly chortle that he has just started. They can play this forever...it makes my heart happy.

The visits were ordered to be increased, but they haven't been able to get things squared away to make it happen. This also makes me happy. Is that so bad? I don't think so - just gives us more time with the little guy.

I was cleaning out some things this past week and I came across some sermon notes from a long time ago. The sermon was from a guest speaker from our church that is a Young Life Director - he now lives in Colorado with his wife and kids. Still works with Young Life. OK - onto the sermon. It was just one of those things I needed to find at that moment. I started to read my notes and was in tears in seconds. The sermon was about "waiting for God" and walking forward in faith. Hmm. Not knowing what God has in store for us, but being faithful that He has our best in mind and to keep moving forward - knowing that He will direct us.

God has been so very faithful in my life - our lives. I never thought I would get married - always wanted to, but it just didn't seem to be in cards for me. I waited. Moved forward with my life and continued to trust that God knew my heart and whatever happened would be what He wanted. I met Kevin in my early-30's...and waited. We spent a long time getting to know each other and FINALLY got married when we were both 38. Long time, but worth the wait. Again, God knew what was best for me. Then we began to try to start a family. Miscarriages and lots of tears - and waiting. We decided to adopt - and then lots more waiting. Some families seem to gets kids quickly...not us. We have been "in process" for over 5 years. And now we wait to see what God has in mind for us and our journey to have a family. N has been such a blessing for us - he brings us such joy in the midst of all this waiting. Isn't that just how God works though?

So, as I teach N the sign for waiting (wiggly fingers pointed upwards) I am reminded that God is in the lead here. He knows our hearts and knows we are waiting.

Moving forward with hopeful hearts...

Seems like I am doing this kind of backwards. I was told, when we brought N home from the hospital, that I should start a blog on our foster/adopt journey. Now, as we are beginning to prepare for reunification, I am finally starting a blog about our road with the sweet baby boy.

His visits with his bio mom have increased from two days a week to three - which is a hard transition for us all. He isn't sleeping well on his visit nights and we are in "recovery" the day after. He is so easy going  - I know it could be a lot worse. Me? Kevin? We are having a tough time with it, as well. That is to be expected, I guess. We are really, REALLY trying to look at the positive of it all. God brought N to us for a reason - we took care of him and raised him when his bio mom couldn't. He is a very happy, well adjusted baby boy that knows what it is like to be loved. That is huge. As I watched his bio mom walk away yesterday I thought to myself that she looks good - healthy, even. And that calmed me down.

I am reading a book by Ann Voskamp during N'a visit time/s. Yesterday the section I was reading on was about learning to be thankful in the moment (which is really the whole premise of the book). It really struck me though - she was writing about how when we are thankful for what is going on in the moment time slows down a bit. Or a lot - depending on how fast you are going. Both Kevin and I have been concentrating so much on the future right now. What will happen next week, next month, will we even have N in two months? Those thoughts put such a damper on the day...That isn't to say that we shouldn't plan ahead, but maybe should really try to concentrate on little moments we have with N. Who knows what God has in store for us in the next few months. It doesn't do us any good to wonder about the "ifs" in the next couple months. I told Kevin the other day that I really just wanted time to stand still for a little bit. Maybe this is God's way of reminding me to savor the time I do have with N and to be so very thankful for each little thing. Every toy I step on, a squirmy little boy when it is nap time, blueberries on the carpet, snuggles in the middle of the night. All that is good!